Cam and Fin lately

So we are now the proud owners of a three year old and a one year old.  I'm not sure how that happened.

As much as I hate that my kids are growing up so fast, I love watching their personalities develop and seeing their relationship with each other grow.  When I look at Camden and Finley, all I can think about is how blessed we are that God picked us to be their parents.  He knows our hearts so well and our kids are a complete reflection of that.

They have such a cute dynamic going between the two of them.  They are completely smitten with each other but also drive each other nuts.  Yesterday Camden fell asleep on the couch after school and had some of his beloved cars next to him along with his stuffed dog, "Ralphie."  We have tons of Matchbox cars and Finley isn't usually interested in them but yesterday she HAD to have the ones Cam had.  As soon as she realized he was asleep, she loaded his cars into her doll stroller, slipped Ralphie out of Cam's hands and into her stroller next to the cars, and drank his whole cup of milk.  Then she gave him a kiss on the cheek and took off.  Pretty typical.

Camden used to be successful with the bait-and-switch technique (Finley has a toy he wants so he gives her something in one hand while he takes the targeted toy out of her other hand), but she has become wise to his ways so his attempts are usually futile.  He's usually pretty good about just moving on and finding something to play with that's not in Finley's little death grip, but there are times when he's had enough and wrestles her to the ground takes it away.  There is usually a lot of melodramatic crying and a time-out involved but they go back to playing together pretty quickly.

They tend to always gravitate towards each other and really do love being together.  Cam went through a phase where we had to block off the stairs with a gate so he couldn't get to Finley's room when she was napping because he would go in and wake her up so they could play.  Even if they aren't playing together, they are usually right next to each other.  They also randomly hug each other on a regular basis and it's pretty darn cute.  I'm so glad they have each other and I hope they are always close.

I know better than to say that I am going to do something regularly on my blog,  but I am going to try do a little update on each of them every month or so.  Knowing my track record with my blog, they will probably be graduating from college the next time I do this, but here goes...

Camden

• He turned three at the beginning of March and seems more like a little boy than a toddler now.  I wish I could still call him a toddler.  Maybe I will until someone tells me it's weird.  Which is probably now.
• He is talking constantly.  In full sentences.  And has started asking lots and lots and lots of questions. 
• He loves music and is usually signing or pretending to play the drums.  His current favorite songs are "The Wheels on the Bus," the theme from Bubble Guppies, "Jesus Loves Me," and some random song he made up about grandpas and fire trucks.
• He still LOVES anything with wheels and can tell you the names of every type of vehicle on the road.  Did you know that a tractor trailer pulling multiple trailers is called a "road train"?  I did not until he told me (it really is called a road train--his kindle book about trucks says so).
• He is really into pretend play.  Sometimes I think he really thinks he's a train conductor:)
• When we are driving somewhere, he can tell where we are going based on what street we are on or what we are passing.  
• He has a great sense of humor and loves making people laugh.  
• He is super strong and can climb anything.  Too bad he has my fear of heights because usually once he gets up on something, he wants to get down immediately.  
• He loves to read and is starting to recognize words.  He can also spell his name.
• He is still really into drawing and coloring.  He is starting to draw pictures that actually look like what he's trying to draw.  He also loves to draw on his easel while he tells a story.  That makes my little nerdy teacher heart happy:)  
• I've had a few people ask me if we are going to try growth hormone with him, so here is my answer to that:  No, we aren't.  Even though it's been shown to be somewhat effective with kids that have his type of dwarfism, often times it can cause their disproportion to become even more obvious.  Hypo effects the long bones in his arms and legs, but doesn't have any effect on his torso.  Growth hormone may help the bones in his arms and legs grow, but it would also do the same for his torso, so he may end up a little taller but with the same proportions.  It works well for some kids with hypo, but Camden isn't an ideal candidate for it because he has such a long torso to begin with.  There is also a lot of uncertainty surrounding the side effects of growth hormone in kids with hypo (increased risk for developing diabetes, cancer, heart disease, etc.) and it's enough for us to opt out of trying it.  He is already at risk for those things because of family history and we can't justify putting him at an even higher risk to gain a few inches.  (Other hypo mamas...I don't want to come off sounding like we think growth hormone treatment is bad--it's just not right for Camden!)

Finley Blair

• We get asked often if we had always planned to call Finley by her first and middle names (which we do regularly).  No, but we love her name and it just kind of seems natural.  She also answers to Sissy, Poots Magoots (Poots for short--I know, she's going to love hearing about that when she gets older), Finny Bear, Finny, and Fin.  Hopefully she won't introduce herself as Poots in the future.
• She loves to cuddle with stuffed animals.  I've also caught her snuggling up to our fuzzy bath mat (seriously).
• She is talking a ton.  Right now she says mama, dada, Dede (Camden), cat, bird, tweet tweet, milk, dog, more, yay, that, hi, no, bouncy, dance, yes and bye.  She's also tells us little stories that we can't understand and then nods at us like we should agree with her.  
• She LOVES to dance.  
• When she's getting ready to do something she knows she should't do, she says "no" and shakes her head as she's doing it.  
• She is also a climber like Cam but unfortunately, she doesn't have my fear of heights and scares me to death on a regular basis.  We've tried to block off everything we think she can climb but she amazes us daily with her monkey skills.  
• She can eat all 3 of us under the table.  It's so funny watching someone so dainty eat as much as she does.  Her favorite foods right now are cheese, hard boiled eggs (ew), avocado, and yogurt.  She is also having a little love affair with sliced cucumbers.
• She is getting better about not flailing around when she gets her diaper changed, but its still a challenge.  Don't even ask me how I get her hair in pig tails.  Let's just say it's part of my fitness plan.
• Speaking of pig tails, it's pretty much our only hair style option at the moment because her hair is really long on top and not so long on the sides.  If her hair is down, it's in her eyes and if it's in a little pony tail on top, it sticks out on the sides a la Bozo the clown.  
• She loves toys that you can put things in (like this piggy bank) or toys that have pieces that fit together.  I think she's going to like puzzles like her mama. 
• She is WALKING finally!  She's been cruising since she could pull up at 7 months but didn't take her first steps until this week.  She is a really fast crawler, so walking just hasn't gotten her where she wants to go fast enough for her to commit.

Oh yeah, I have a blog

Soooo it's been a really long time since I updated my blog.  The last time I posted, Finley was a newborn. She just turned ten months old yesterday and is constantly asking for the keys to the car almost an official toddler.  We have had a super busy last few months and it finally took a case of the stomach flu to slow my little family down enough for me to update this thing.  I am a perfectionist and it was bugging me that Finley's picture wasn't in the header of my blog (I know it was bothering you too, just admit it) and I wanted to be able to change it before I posted again.  So I stayed up late last night because my sleep schedule is all out of whack thanks to being sick, figured out how to do it, and now here we are.  

We are doing great--Patrick just wrapped up his CFP exam and I am still loving being home with Camden and Finley.  They keep growing up way too fast even though I've asked them to stop.  I thought I would do a little update on both of them since they are both SO different from the last time I posted in April. 

My two and a half year old (I can't believe he's almost 3) went to camp this summer at The Speech Garden Institute and absolutely loved it.  We found out in November of last year (I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous post or not) that he had a mild delay in expressive speech and he's been in speech therapy once a week since then.  A few weeks after camp was over, we had him reevaluated and he tested out of needing services!  Now he won't stop talking!  We asked our geneticist this summer if speech issues are common in people with Hypo, but there isn't much research to substantiate a real answer.  I know I've mentioned this before, but one of the most frustrating things with a Hypo diagnosis is the fact that there is so little known about it compared to other types of dwarfism.  It's also frustrating that it is lumped together with achondroplasia even though there are many innate differences.  (Hypo parents, are your kids in speech therapy? What have you been told about speech?)

He started preschool in September and the first thing out of his mouth in the morning is "I have school today?!"  followed by "I'm hungry!!!" (such a guy).  He loves his teachers and his friends and has learned so much.  Every once in a while, he'll freak us out with something we had no idea he knew.  One day we were on our way to Target and he told me the days of the week and then corrected me on where I was turning (I was going a different way so I could run by the post office first).  

He has turned into quite the budding artist and is definitely left-handed like my mom.  He's used it pretty dominantly for a long time but it's the only hand he uses now.  

Here are a few of his latest masterpieces.  

My favorite part is how he traced around the tile using the grout as a guide.  Very inventive. This is just a sampling of the different artistic bases he works with--he also enjoys using the couch and his sister's tummy.  

Camden's personality is still one of my absolute favorite things about him.  He is so loving and sweet, but he also has a very witty and mischievous side that totally make me melt.  He love cars (his favorite is his gini--a yellow car that looks like a Lamborghini) and his tool set.  He eats pancakes every morning for breakfast and can climb on anything.  He loves his sister and has gotten really good at sharing with her (except for his gini).  They wrestle and pick at each other constantly and crack each other up all the time.  

Finley can hold her own with her brother and has become quite sassy (in a really cute way).  She started crawling when she was six months old and is thisclose to walking and gets into everything.  She LOVES shoes and will chase you down to try to get yours off of your feet.  Whenever anybody comes into our house, they have to take their shoes off and put them in our coat closet immediately before she can get to them.  

She does not have her mama (and brother's) fear of heights and loves swinging and and climbing.  I think we are going to have to worry more about her breaking bones or needing stitches when she gets older than we will with Camden.  She definitely has an adventurous side.  

She dances, claps, and bounces all day long and is such a happy baby.

She is not crazy about baby food and has been covering herself with food feeding herself for a while now.  Her favorite food right now is cheese.  

She has four teeth (her front tops and bottoms) and has started grinding them (it makes the most awful sound ever but her doctor said it sounds worse than it is) so we have been keeping pacis close by and popping them in her mouth whenever we hear her do it.  

Despite her bubbly and extroverted personality, she is going through a major stranger-danger phase right now.  She did not appreciate Santa this year.  

She does appreciate a good tiara and fairy wings though :)

So there you have it, an update after nine months.  I promise it won't be that long next time (I hope)!  

Cottage Cheese and Cancer

I absolutely adore my husband, but he is not necessarily the most observant person in the world.  Patrick loves cottage cheese (which I can't stand unless I'm pregnant) and kept asking me what I did with the container of it in the fridge.  I didn't even know we owned cottage cheese and if I did, I sure wasn't responsible for its disappearance.  After he asked me about it for the fiftieth time, I opened the fridge to see if I could find it.  I kid you not, it was the first thing I saw when I opened the door.  It couldn't have been in a more prominent place.  It was on the highest shelf, at eye-level, right smack in the center.

So you can imagine my reaction when I was brushing my teeth sometime at the end of June and Patrick noticed that a mole on my neck looked a little bigger and darker than he remembered it.  Ooookay.  I looked at it and it did seem a little different but I figured it was fine and eventually forgot about it.  I had a questionable looking mole removed after I had Camden and although it turned out to be pre-cancerous (something called a dysplastic nevus), it wasn't cancerous.  I figured this one was just like that one and who gets skin cancer in their twenties anyway? Patrick kept bugging me to get it checked so I finally made an appointment with my dermatologist.  I went in, my doctor did a quick check of all my other moles and freckles, and said he would biopsy the mole in question but he didn't think it would turn out to be anything.  He left the room, the nurse came in and gave me a shot with the local anesthetic, and the doctor came back in and took off the mole.  It took about 5 minutes and we were out of there.

My mom came to visit for a few days and help me make some pillows for Fin's room.  She was cutting fabric when my phone rang.  I answered and when I heard my doctor's voice, my heart sank.  I had completely forgotten about my biopsy and when I realized it was him calling instead of one of his nurses, I knew it was bad news.  He told me that I had melanoma and then I freaked out.  I am so glad my mom was there.  He told me that he wanted me to come in that afternoon so he could talk to me about what we needed to do.

An hour later, Patrick met me at my doctor's office.  It's amazing how fast things can change.  One minute, your biggest worry is what size pillows to make for your daughter's room and the next minute, you're sitting in a cold little exam room waiting on a doctor to talk about what needs to be done about the cancer on your neck.  My dermatologist is also a plastic surgeon and has had whole bunch a bit of work done himself.  Let's just say it was hard to read his expression when he walked in the room.  He always looks a little surprised.  In his defense, he is probably one of the sweetest men I have ever met and is a fabulous doctor.  Anyway, my doctor came in and after my futile attempt to evaluate the situation by reading his expression, he sat down to talk about my mole.

He told me that what I had is called "Superficial Spreading Melanoma."  I breathed a little sigh of relief when he told me that.  Superficial?  Doesn't that mean that it's just on the surface? That can't be too bad.  And then he told me that this type of melanoma is the leading cause of cancer deaths in my age group .  WHAT?!  I must have given him a look because he immediately followed that statement up by saying that since we caught mine early, it shouldn't be that hard to treat.  Whew.  Way to scare the crap out of me.

Because my melanoma was less than a millimeter thick, more than likely it hadn't had time to spread to my lymph nodes or any other parts of my body.  If it had been closer to or over a millimeter thick, I would have had to have something called a "sentinel lymph node biopsy" to see if the melanoma cells had spread.  They inject a dye into the mole to see what lymph nodes the melanoma drains into.  Then they take out those lymph nodes and examine them to see if there are melanoma cells present.  Luckily, my doctor was pretty confident that this surgery wasn't necessary and that my melanoma could be taken care of by a different type of surgery.  I am so grateful that my sweet husband was so persistent in bugging me to get this mole checked.  If I had waited a few more months, my melanoma could have spread and this would have been a completely different ball game.

My doctor explained that the type of surgery I would have to have is called a "wide local excision."  In other words, I needed to have the mole and a big chunk of skin taken out to make sure the melanoma didn't spread or come back.  He drew a picture on the back of my file to show me what the surgery would look like.  Basically, there was a little dot about the diameter of a pencil eraser (my mole) and a bigger circle around it about the size of a quarter (the area he needed to take out to get a clear margin around the mole).  Then he showed me that in order to stitch the area up without having it pucker on the ends, he needed to remove a triangular area above and below the quarter-sized circle.  What he ended up with was a football shaped excision that was about 3 inches long.  Eek.  I had NO idea that such a tiny little mole would leave such a big scar.  Luckily this was something that could be done in their office the next day and I wouldn't have to be put under for it.

This is a really crappy picture of my mole after it had been biopsied (I had a shave biopsy for this mole). My actual mole was a little bit smaller, but I wanted you to have a reference for size.

Before I could go home, my doctor sent me for a full lab work-up and a chest x-ray to see if there was any sign of cancer in my lungs.  Luckily, everything came back clear.  I went home to freak out some more get myself together.  All night long, the only thing I could think of was getting that thing--that cancer--off of my neck.  I don't remember much about that morning but I do remember going back to my doctor's office that afternoon, going back into that little room where my life changed, and having the sweetest nurse in the world administer my local anesthetic.  My doctor came in a few minutes later, cranked up his iPod, and got to work.  I think it only took him about forty-five minutes to do the actual surgery but it felt like forever.  The worst part about it (other than when he hit a spot where the local anesthetic didn't quite numb--and the sweetest nurse ever quickly came to the rescue with her little needle) was the fact that I could actually hear him cutting my skin.  I'm sorry.  I know that's gross, but nothing about skin cancer is pretty.

This is what my neck looked like about an hour after my surgery.  The scar goes behind my ear as well.  See, not pretty.  All of that from a tiny mole.

After he got everything stitched up, they let Patrick come back to see me and we talked about the next step in my treatment.  Although my melanoma wasn't alarmingly deep, my doctor still wanted me to go to an oncologist for a second opinion.  He referred me to an amazing melanoma specialist at the Blumenthal Cancer Center in Charlotte who I went to see about two weeks later.  He confirmed what my doctor had told me about not needing a sentinel lymph node biopsy and explained that my cancer was classified as Stage 1B (here is an explanation of melanoma staging from melanoma.org) and that the chances of this particular melanoma spreading to other parts of my body were less than 2%.  I am at high risk of developing other melanomas, so I have to have my skin checked frequently by my dermatologist.  I recently had two more moles biopsied that both came back clear and I go again in March for my next check.

I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be dealing with cancer in my twenties.  I tanned in tanning beds, laid in the sun without sunblock, and didn't take care of my skin.  I knew it could cause skin cancer, but it was "just" skin cancer (please read this post by my friend Chelsea).  It never occurred to me that "just" skin cancer could threaten to take me away from my babies and my husband.  It never occurred to me that it could leave me with a 3 inch scar on my neck for the rest of my life and worry in my heart.  Please, please, please take care of your skin.  Wear sunscreen everyday (even in the winter!!), be careful in the sun, check your skin for changes, and if you find a mole that looks a little different--get it checked out.

Camden has been a busy guy...

He got a baby sister AND turned two in the matter of a few weeks.

Finley Blair O'Rourke was born on February 10th at 7:46 am.  We checked in to the hospital at 5:30 that morning for my scheduled c-section and when they hooked me up to the monitors to prep me for surgery, we found out I was in labor.  I had been having random contractions for about a week and they never amounted to anything, but that morning they were about 3 minutes apart.  Apparently she was coming that day no matter what :)

I opted for a repeat c-section with Finley since I had one with Cam.  With him, I was induced, labored for about 24 hours, pushed for 2, and ended up with a c-section because I wasn't progressing and his heart rate was doing weird things towards the end.  We found out after he was born that the c-section was the best choice we had ever made because he had a complete knot in his umbilical cord.  I had so much anxiety over his birth that the prospect of a quick delivery by c-section seemed fabulous to me.  

Finley entered the world screaming and then fell asleep (we learned pretty quickly that this is typical...she loves her sleep, just like her mama).  

Camden came to meet her as soon as I was out of recovery.  He wasn't very impressed with her since she was sleeping but LOVED my hospital room.  It was toddler heaven with all sorts of tempting buttons and cords and un-childproofed (not a real word?) electrical outlets.  She woke up later and he thought she was acceptable, especially after he realized that she had toes that he could play with and a house arrest-style ankle bracelet he could try to take off.

  

He's doing okay adjusting to being a big brother.  He absolutely adores her and gives her kisses all the time, but he is still trying to come to terms with the fact that she is sticking around.  The biggest issue we have had is that he gets really jealous when he thinks that Finley is going to be alone with us.  We were having a hard time getting him to go to bed until we realized that he thought we were leaving him alone in his room to go play with Finley.  We started having him help us put her to bed so he could see that we weren't having an all night dance party minus him and then he started going to bed without freaking out or waking up all night long.  

I can't wait to see what kind of relationship they develop as they get older.  He is constantly bringing her things to look at and trying to get her to play with his cars (that are overtaking my house).  He gets so worried when she cries and brings her a paci and tries to shove it in her mouth.  She gets a big gummy smile when she sees him and loves to "talk" to him.  They are so similar in a lot of ways but completely different at the same time.  

In case you were wondering if the old wives tale about having heartburn when you are pregnant is true--it is.  Very much so.

Since Camden's birthday was only a few weeks after Finley was born and I was still recovering from surgery, we didn't have a party for him this year and just had family over for brunch and cake instead.  As you can tell from the picture below, Camden didn't mind.  He went from politely eating his cake with a fork to shoving it in his mouth like an apple in about two seconds.  

We took Camden to his second LPA regional conference at the Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg the weekend after his birthday.  Unfortunately, he was sick with a stomach bug and ear infection (his first since October) but he still managed to get the attention of all the Irish dancers ladies.  

He also got to hang out with his buddies Brea and Betsy Grace and we got to spend time with their wonderful families.  We are so blessed to have them and all of our LPA family in our lives.  

I am really loving being at home with Cam and Finley.  I miss my class, my colleagues, and teaching, but nothing beats spending the day with my babies.  

St. Patrick's Day Photo Fail

I tried really hard to get Camden and Finley to pose for pictures in their green on St. Patrick's day.  Finley was grumpy and Camden was  being a two year old not cooperating.

This is the best one I got of the two of them together.  Notice the toothbrush in Cam's mouth.  I thought that was a nice touch.

Then Cam ran off so I thought I'd get one of Finley by herself.  Not great.

This one is a little better but she looks like she is trying to take the camera away from me.  

Then Patrick tried.  Cam wouldn't let go of the toothbrush and added a toy drumstick to the mix.  Finley still isn't happy about having her picture taken.

If you're interested, my killer photography skills are for hire.  You're welcome.

An update, FINALLY!

The last time I updated my blog, I was about 7 weeks pregnant and on summer break.  I'm now 26 weeks (!!!) and Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  Since my grandpa checks my blog every day hoping for an update, I think it's about time that I finally gave him something to read, and more importantly, some pictures of his great grandson:)

First of all, we found out at the beginning of October that Baby 2 is a GIRL!  Her name is Finley Blair, and we are so excited for Camden to have a little sister.  Finley is a Scotch-Irish name from Patrick's side of the family and Blair is an Irish name that has been really popular on my side.  In fact, when my family immigrated from Ireland, they settled in Blairs, Virginia.  

I felt Finley move for the first time at about 16 weeks and she is a wild woman.  I didn't feel Cam move until I was almost 24 weeks with him, so she definitely made her presence known early!  Camden points to my tummy and says "baby" all the time, but definitely doesn't know what he is in for with a little sister:)  

Things looked great at her 12 and 20 week ultrasounds and we go back in a few weeks for one more.  We are going to the same Maternal Fetal Specialists that we went to when they found the spot on Cam's heart for a more comprehensive ultrasound to just double check her growth.  They are just doing it as a precaution because of Cam's dwarfism.  There isn't any indication that she has Hypo and it would be really rare if she were to have it since neither Patrick and I are carriers, but since we opted out of the amnio we get to see her one more time.  

This is a picture of a distracted Cam and me at 25 weeks on Halloween.  She is getting so big!  I can't believe I am going to be in the 3rd trimester in a few weeks.  I am dying to get started on her nursery.  Patrick is using her room as an office so he can study for his CFP exam, but as soon as he is done (just a few more weeks!!!!!), I am going to be in a nesting frenzy.  

Camden is growing up so fast and we still can't believe he's ours.  He's running everywhere and is so sweet.  He's really into giving us kisses and hugs and loves to share his snacks and toys.  Let me just tell you, already chewed-up gold fish are super appetizing.  He's really into cars and blocks and anything he can push around.  Especially his little car he got from Aunt Jess and Uncle Joe last Christmas.  He runs over our cat and slams it into walls.  He's not getting his drivers license until he's 40.  

We stopped daycare a few weeks ago because Cam was sick constantly and now one of my student's moms (I taught his older brother too!) is keeping him for us.  I can't tell you what a blessing she has been to us.  He's doing great now and we have been ear infection-free for about a month!

Since I'm a bad blog-updater, here are some pictures from the last few months:

 

Surprise!

Camden is going to be a big brother!  My official due date is February 17, 2011.  Those of you that know my sweet husband are aware that he is obsessed a big fan of Michael Jordan.  If Baby 2 happens to arrive on its due date, he or she will share a birthday with #23.

We have debated telling family and friends this early on in the pregnancy but we realized that neither one of us could keep it a secret for too long.  That, and I'm already showing a little bit.  I'm hoping I'm just bloated but I've already had someone ask me when I'm due.  Joking aside, the main reason we wanted to tell everyone this early is so that you can keep this little baby and our family in your prayers.  Please pray that Baby 2 is healthy.  Please also pray for an uneventful pregnancy.  We had lots of stuff going on during my pregnancy with Camden (meetings with perinatologists, non-stress tests, high blood pressure, etc) and I'm starting to feel a lot of that anxiety coming back.

We went for our initial ultrasound this morning and Baby 2 is measuring right on track and had a fabulous heartbeat!  It has already learned how to wave hello!  All it needs now are some arms.

Right now, Baby 2 is the size of a sweet pea:

We haven't decided yet if we are going to find out the sex of the baby.  Patrick let me decide when we were pregnant with Camden so it's his turn this time:)    We go back in a few weeks for another ultrasound called an NT (nuchal translucency) scan where they will be able to give us an idea if the baby is at risk for certain types of birth defects.  There is also a sequential blood screening that goes along with it.  When I was pregnant with Cam, my doctor only recommended this test for high risk patients so we didn't have it but this time around it's become routine.  Plus we get to see the baby again!  This pregnancy is not considered high risk but because of Camden's dwarfism we were also offered an amnio to see if Baby 2 is affected.  We declined.  Because Cam's dwarfism was spontaneous and neither of us are carriers of the mutation, there is very little chance that Baby 2 will have hypo. 

When we were leaving our ultrasound after talking about all of the testing that's available to us, I couldn't help but wonder how we never found out that Camden had hypo before he was born.  With all of the technology available, it just amazes me that there weren't any clues along the way.  It wouldn't have changed anything if we had known before he was born, but maybe it would have helped us prepare a little more.   

Things like that make me realize how purposeful God's plan is and I revel in the fact that even though it may not be what we expect, it's perfect anyway.  I may never understand why things happened the way they did but I have faith that they happened that way for a reason.  And I'm okay with that.